02/12/18, 12:21am

I have asked for three days of space, and in the aftermath of the request — an unfussy affair, a quick text and only a few minutes of heart pounding, conceived of and solidified during my evening shower, Nujabes echoing on the tile — a strange combination of blithe, anxious, dreading, and then nothing atContinue reading “02/12/18, 12:21am”

1/29/17, 11:07am, messages from him on mute

You remember, and maybe this is the beginning of the problem: You’d made plans that night. He’d bailed, for a reason. You’d semi-bailed, for a less good reason. You’d tried to meet up with each other, and finally you definitively bailed so that he would not have to leave his friends. Something external changes, youContinue reading “1/29/17, 11:07am, messages from him on mute”

where have I been?

You’ve been extremely good, a little lonely, content with your friends, feeling alienated from close friends, feeling alienated from fading friends, feeling like a second-class friend, suddenly ready to cut people out, exceedingly comfortable with the people you love, willing to reach out to people you’ve looked over, unsure if this was out of desperation,Continue reading “where have I been?”

11/07/17, 10:53pm, dorm

I guess the gist of it is this: you don’t need me, and yet, somehow I have let myself need you. Really, this is completely my own fault, not that I didn’t already know that. I know I shouldn’t live my life refusing to need people more than they need me. But right now, IContinue reading “11/07/17, 10:53pm, dorm”

what is this feeling

I want to see him so badly and yet I deny myself that at his expense. And so I avoid him: avoid his messages, avoid his reaches for connection, avoid his plans. Because if they aren’t exactly enough exactly when I need them, I decide they are all facades, all the time. And because theyContinue reading “what is this feeling”