11/09/17, 8:23pm, dorm

you decide to prioritize him in your life as much as you perceive he prioritizes you in his.

so, you decide to cut him out.

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what is this feeling

I want to see him so badly and yet I deny myself that at his expense. And so I avoid him: avoid his messages, avoid his reaches for connection, avoid his plans. Because if they aren’t exactly enough exactly when I need them, I decide they are all facades, all the time. And because they are not real, I don’t want any of it, ever. At least, while I am here, here. You know where here is.

Is it because here tells me that it wasn’t likely to be real anyway? Is it that even if it’s real, it won’t be for much longer, anyway? Is it that it’s just not quite enough? Is it that I am unable to take up more space in his life and I’ve become worried or perhaps I was always worried that I was taking up too much space in his life? Because I would rather take up too little space than too much. Because I don’t think I deserve that much space. No, because I don’t know how to take that much space for anyone. Or, I don’t think he wants me to take up that much space. Or, I suspect he only likes me because I take up so little space.

At least I told him something, I told him, at least I did that. But really, I know, I know he deserves better than this. Can I be that? Can I be better than myself right now? What’s better? Is it the full, painful, nasty truth? Is it someone else? Is it suppression? Is it just getting the fuck over this idiotic problem?

11/11/17, 10:24am

when I am not with you I revise in my mind how I will tell you I am leaving:

  • when I see you with your friends and when I am there with you and your friends I know I am in the wrong place; I do not fit; I can never fit without squashing who I am and I could not do that if I tried; believe me believe me because I have lived my life trying and I only now know that I can’t and I don’t have to
    • this was not about self-fulfillment. this is about capability.
    • I am tired of failing to prove myself to your people.
    • you are white and they are white and I am ready to retreat into my colorful bubble
  • you said that we would go until the end of college like that was the longest time ever, longer than I could possibly be thinking, so long that it was a vulnerability for you to say it: I know you matter far more to me than I to you and to continue this would be masochism masochism and so I hold you a distance away I am sure that is confusing
    • you make me happy now. maybe you are being realistic.
    • would leaving be masochism?
    • when will I escape masochism?
  • I am holding you back from exploration and self-discovery and I don’t want to I so strongly believe that I should not and yet you will not let me leave and you will not let me bend; things that don’t bend snap: you don’t see the snap but I do, I do, it will be me and it will be for you
    • do you notice that I disappear when he comes?
    • and yet:
    • two truths and a lie:
      • “single”
      • “interested in women”