Feeling alone

I guess the sucky part of having an official boyfriend is the expectations.

I was sick last night, and miserable, on the biggest party weekend of the year. He’d volunteered to stay in with me. I’d half-heartedly fought against it, and happily accepted.

But on his part, his shows were superficial. He invited to his place, implying that I walk there alone, when before he’d always come to pick me up at my dorm. He was kind of eager to suggest that I leave early to get rest. And when I told him I was feeling too crappy to come over, he accepted that way too fast.

Today? WH ask me how I was, and WH only. Not my boyfriend, not any of my friends.



I have the flu, and last night apparently I had a fever.

I’m outside, at a piano, and my piano teacher is standing off to the side with a bunch of people/peers behind me. It’s scorchingly hot and dry, and the glare of the sun and sweat is blocking my vision. Brown and yellow, and dust. I can barely see my hands, and the entire world is throbbing. I’m playing my college repertoire, butI keep making memory slips – I can’t even remember how it goes. My piano teacher tells me that it’s too many; I’m not going to get in like that. She’s disappointed in me.

The whole group walks up along the road in a huge line. I’m dying of thirst – I need water. I see several water fountains along the left, so I make a break for one. It’s one person, running towards a fountain, the huge line of people, and the leader yells at me. I get water anyway, and I drink it and drink it, but I’m still thirsty.

KD Surprise 2.0

So I woke up today with a sore throat, a runny nose, dry eyes, and an achey body. Wonderfulll.

That meant I had to ditch my morning swim plans for a walk. So I took a long barefoot walk, in which I listened to Mahler’s 2nd (Resurrection) in its entirety and all but the last movement of Shostakovich’s 7th (Leningrad). So that was great, actually.

Came home, practiced a bit but it was miserable. I settled in with the AP Lit reading around noon, but ended up sleeping for 3 hours. Solid.

In the entire day, my productiveness was limited to finishing homework for one class and memorizing about 3 lines of my contemporary piece. Wow.

But here’s what made my day. First of all, KD texted me the typical evening ‘hey, what’s up’. Which I’d been starting to miss, because it’d been a week since he last did, and I was beginning to think he got tired of me. Anyway, I told him I was sick and miserable (yay optimism).

So a bit later, I’m practicing piano and the doorbell rings like crazy. Like the way I knew it was WB yesterday, I knew it was KD. I just knew. Opened the door, and he’s standing there with a box of Cheezits and man, that seriously made my day. I gave him a hug even though I totally wasn’t wearing a bra and my hair was all wet and I looked like hell. It was wonderful. For real.

He’s a worthwhile guy.

track tryouts, music revelations

president’s day weekend was just a blur of piano. tuesday came. i felt pretty energized until friday, but hey, i’m on my period. it’s pretty impressive that i felt weirdly good on tuesday and wednesday…

thus day just got bad, though. a slight cough on wednesday turned into bronchitis on thursday, and i now have trouble speaking full sentences without hacking up a cough…it’s horrible. last night, i got practically no sleep because of it. i’m on like 5 chinese herbs, antibiotics, honey, and mucinex all at once…

i tried my new running leggings from tj maxx. both were too big and slipped down when i ran. returning. bought a non-sale pair from sports authority today on the way back from panel, and i love them. they fit! unfortunately, they are also 40 bucks…

i don’t remember much, but i remember this week was good. i don’t know why, really. nothing big. just that people talked to me and asked how my week was, people smiled at me…. it was nice.

oh and tryouts. i made jv hurdles. she cut people this year. top 4 make varsity. i was the 5th time. so close…

NB is my hurdle friend. but she’s getting competitive, i can tell. she was telling me how she wanted to make varsity, and when she didn’t, she was mad. and she always asks what my times are and watches me when i jump, and when i stayed after one time to work on form, she got this weird attitude… it’s weird. 

EMC sucks at the 100 hurdles, and i’m sort of ashamed to say that i’m happy. i know, i’m a hypocrite. but she still made the team, which annoys me because the only reason she made is because the coach likes her. the coach doesn’t like me…i know because she never tells me good job, and she tells me to stop trying. like, what coach does that?

oh yeah, old sprints coach is gone. he’s got a nasty divorce going on…it’s funny, i never would have guessed. you never know what’s going on behind.

oh and one last thing. the night before panel, i though i was going to stop taking piano lessons. so i started this whole new plan of going in a new direction with music (because obviously i’d still play piano, just not formally) and starting a music blog. not quite sure about the details, because it’s just forming, but it’s a nice idea, yeah? i’m not sure if it would be funny or poetic or whatever. and i want to give more lessons. i love teaching piano. but the little girl quit, because her mom didn’t want to send her. it makes me sad thinking about her, because i know she loved piano, but her mom can’t take 20 minutes to drive her over…

but yeah, a music blog, more teaching, and playing more modern songs. like pseudo-classical music. like ‘River Flows In You’ by Yiruma…i like that song.

but i don’t know.


SO MUCH school and friends

so it’s been like a month since i posted….

i got back from china a while ago, and i’ve grown really close with everyone and i miss them to death.

band camp went by in a blur and i got off my snobby high horse thinking i was way too cool for everyone in band and i’m making great friends i can’t believe i ignored last year.

EMC and i are not friends. we smile and wave at each other but, no we are not close, and we barely talk. oh well, i don’t think she ever really cared about me anyway.

first day of school went pretty decent, and i know some people in every class.

i fell playing capture the flag the thursday before school started and had to get stitches! you know what else? i missed the first two weeks of cross country 😦

the first two weeks were fun and then i started XC last week and hell kicked in. i’m still adjusting to having this much on my plate: XC every day from 3-5, band on tuesdays from 5-8:30 and on thursdays i skip XC and go to band till 5:30, and on wednesdays i have piano (i leave at 7 and get back around 9). it’s stressful, and it’s a lot of late late nights and feeling burned out. buts its great.

XC is going awesome! i made tons of new friends and the coach told me he thinks i have potential! and thats amazing because our team is like 2 in the state and he thinks i have potential….and i don’t think he was just saying that!

band it ok, but the teacher officially hates me. i don’t understand it….and it sucks because i need to get a leadership position next year and i get the feeling it’s going to be tough with all the new competition….

piano is insane because of PANEL ugh……all these crazy hard pieces. and for the baroque piece, they actually make you play the ENTIRE BAROQUE SUITE. yes. i know. as if famous masterpieces that are more than 8 pages of hand torture wasn’t enough!

my grandpa is not doing well. he’s had one round of chemo, and the next is starting i think in a few days. he’s constantly in pain, and it kills me that i can’t spend more time with him. i tempted to just say, screw homework, screw school, i’m hanging out with my laoye. he’s so brave and amazing and my hero. every time i ask, he says it doesn’t hurt! but i know…..every time he thinks nobody’s looking, his face just crumples in pain….and he can’t eat anything….and he’s losing weight so fast. i’m scared.

meanwhile, today was the day that ERC left. yesterday, we spent the entire day with her, just us 4. we took her to the beach for the last time (seattle’s got beaches 3 hours away, and you can’t go in the water anyway…). we took pictures. we laughed, we looked through old pictures, we spent hours reminiscing about the golden days when we didn’t care about our hair or makeup and boys were gross and it was just us, the 4 amigos, having crazy new adventures every day and it felt like nothing would ever change….and today, KS didn’t have a ride so she ran to my house and ERC came but AD couldn’t…..but we made the most of our last time together. we stretched that goodbye out so dang long it was literally 5 hours long! and when she drove away we chased that car down for half a mile screaming and crying and waving.

lots of changes. i wonder what will happen now.

del mar fair!

so today i got up nice and early and went to my school’s cross country meeting!

i’ve been debating for a while on whether i should join it or not, and i’ve decided i will.

it started out just as a way to keep in shape (and it still is), but now i think it’s actually gonna be fun! i was too nervous to go by myself, so i went with friend MB. i don’t know why i was worried because friend PS practically attacked me when we got there…

we ran like 3 miles, which was totally fine! it was a little faster than my usual pace, but it was on a flat surface and it was nice and cool because it was so early. after, we splashed in the water, which was freezing, and no i did not run enough to get in. but we walked to our friend SS’s house, where we awkwardly realized she had had a sleepover the night before and was a kind of a bad mood…..

we caught a ride with her to the fair, and it was fun! we were super cheap, so we checked out the booths around and drank the random food samples (you know the vitamin samples? yeah…we stood there for like 20 minutes just drinking….). then we visited the cows…yes there were cows. then we got sidetracked by this texas travel thing that was pretty much the oddest thing i’ve ever been sucked into. we just decided to try it, and it was this weird presentation with texas’y music playing and this dome with TVs and like, horse saddles and cactuses. really confusing. then we were told a ton of random facts, like, the two animals of texas are armadillos and longhorns. ?

then we were ushered to this other ‘station’, with a cool kayaking surround-movie glasses things. we acted all excited and awestruck….so fun. THEN we got to take pictures on a green screen wearing ponchos and space helmets (of all things!) with a cow chewing grass in the background. and then they gave us a free bandana. then they gave us a survey on how we felt about texas before and after, and the sad thing was that we felt worse about visiting texas after….and this was all free. lol

we went on this cool ride that was this huge spaceship and it spun super fast and you get sucked up against the wall and up to the ceiling….

we met up with other friends DS, MT, and our middle school friends that went to different high schools. DS and I went on this cool ride that was called the zipper. so fun.

then i waited around a bit cuz i was conserving my tickets for this one really fun ride. sucks cuz i didn’t get to go on that ride anyway, because the line was too long and i had no time.

i visited friend SS on the way out (she was working a booth) and we left! i bought a scarf on the way out.

got home and pigged out on amazing salmon, pesto bread, and mushroom-bell pepper-cabbage mixture. I hate m=having delicious food all available at once, because i always overeat. this time i ate so much i felt like puking, no joke. i got that feeling where your mouth gets all weird and your spit tastes funny and i was seriously gonna puke. I’m still feeling it. ugh. i’ll remember that for the next time i get good food.

and thats about it. main idea, summer is in full swing and friend MB and i are tight! plus, i’m totally pooped, so…..bye.

busy busy studying

arg so the ISEE is this saturday.

i studied a ton

anywhooooo rewind. on friday, piano went pretty good even though i barely practiced. went to costco and bought this huge thing of mozzarella cheese, and so I’ve been pigging out on these ‘pizza’ things with marinara sauce and flat wraps. so good.

didn’t go to church that night because my mom was insanely sick. plus i had to stay home and study, studying fun!

saturday i stayed home all day and studied as well. i did a practice test. and died. i got like 10 wrong! like a 92%! NOT GOOD ENOUGH for andover or exeter! so now I’m panicking. you should have seen me. (yes, i know that was a stupid sentence). but seriously, i was all frazzle, freaking out at whoever talked to me.

that night was this church dinner thing, too. i was so tired i slept all the way there, then when i got there i couldn’t cook so they put me on decoration duty, and i literally folded these tiny little 3D stars that were like a half inch tall. i sucked at that, so they had me string them together. with a needle and thread. my fingers hurt like crazy.

and the rest of the night (people would come over for each course and eat, then leave) was really awkward, especially since our group was obviously the worst group ever, and no one knew each other. we tried to fondue cheese, which didn’t work…..then chocolate, which didn’t work either……

when i went home, i slepppppppppt. ZZZZZzzzzZzZZZZZzzzzZZZzzZZzzzZz

sunday i stayed home again and my mom was super, super sick. she had a fever. i took care of her, along with my grandparents. my mom moaned about my dad. like always. i honestly avoid talking to her now because everything leads to dad, and a recap of everything i already know. same on the other end, with dad.

i studied more…..there are these quantitave comparison problems that really trip me up. and also the vocal is insane and i never get it right!

yesterday, 2-4-6. bio went fine. debate went fine. I’m getting over crush V, especially since he so obviously likes frenemy AF and she likes him. but he’s still nice, and i still would like to be friends. he confuses me. he randomly talks to me, like he’ll listen in and jump in. like i was showing a song by rise against to my friend (which she hated, but its still awesome) and he went ‘rise against? i love them!’

then i was eating carrots and i was chomping them down like no one’s biz, and he was like ‘you like carrots? i do, too.’ and i was like, ok……

and then he was like, ‘are you doing debate next year?’ and when i said probably not, he was like ‘you have to! especially you!’ ???????WTH am i supposed to do with that?

but whatever.

lunch i hung out with old friends, as in OLD friends. like friend KS, friend AD, etc….it was nice. we reminisced. they’ve changed, and i feel like i haven’t.

6th went pretty good. we switched study buddies, and since none of the popular girls will be partners with me, i partnered up with some guys. they were nice.

tutoring was fun, i worked on matrices with friend JS. i actually got to tutor someone, too! it was this popular girl, and she was unbelievably stupid. she was in algebra 1B, and they were doing graphing inequalities. i assumed she had the basics of algebra down, so i was like put this is slope-intercept form. she didn’t know what that was. then, she didn’t know how to manipulate an equation. we are talking like ‘5 plus 1 all over 2 equals what?’ she was like, well ‘5 plus one is 6, and then its 6 over 2. thats it.’ and i was like well isn’t that two? and she was like ‘oh that means DIVIDE?????’

it took a while.

but she got it, or at least pretended to get it, and i felt pretty proud of myself. i was a good explainer.

studied ISEE at home.

today was 1-3-5, and it was supposed to rain all day, so i wore my combat boots, dark jeans, an oversized purple sweater, and a chunky cream scarf. side part. french braid. smoky brown eyes (and nothing else, my mom stole all, and i mean all, of my makeup)

1 went fine, i studied. i saw best friend ERC during break, and we talked and hugged and stuff. I’m going to miss her so much. we laughed nonstop.

3 went good, too, i kicked SNK C’s butt. then i hung out with my old friends at lunch. talked to my counselor. i think she is annoyed; I’ve gone to see her like once a week haha.

5 went fine, i guess. teacher announced a big national math competition, and that there were still some slots. so i rush off after school to grab friend JS and my bro K to go try instead of tutoring. waddaya know, its the hardest test in the world.

it went something like this:

first few problems, no biggie. hey, this is easy peasy.

#10, hmmm thats a weird one. ill skip it.

#11 hmm i don’t know that either.

#12 huh?


yup. it went on till 25 before i started to attempt (and fail) them.

after, i saw SNK H (dude who i think has a crush on me haha) i wave to him and strike up a convo. he’s super smart (as in he’s in precalc and AP chem as a frosh, super good at debate, etc.) so i asked him how it went. it was even hard for him. but he said he got all of them through 20 (out of 25) before he ran out of time. LUCKY at least he knew how….

he was being especially normal and friendly, so we walked out together with my bro. went home.

studied for ISEE.

haha thats my life. in fact, I’m gonna make that the title of this post…