also also

In any case, I can’t break up with him.

I can’t crush him like that.

In fact, after last night, I feel guilty for even ever considering it.

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Feeling alone

I guess the sucky part of having an official boyfriend is the expectations.

I was sick last night, and miserable, on the biggest party weekend of the year. He’d volunteered to stay in with me. I’d half-heartedly fought against it, and happily accepted.

But on his part, his shows were superficial. He invited to his place, implying that I walk there alone, when before he’d always come to pick me up at my dorm. He was kind of eager to suggest that I leave early to get rest. And when I told him I was feeling too crappy to come over, he accepted that way too fast.

Today? WH ask me how I was, and WH only. Not my boyfriend, not any of my friends.

I’m an idiot

WH just told me he likes me.

Literally straightened my love life out less than a week ago.

But more importantly, WH. I can’t believe what I put him through. I told him all my boy problems; I literally texted him a live stream of me trying to a let a guy down easily. I asked him for advice on how to let this guy down easily. I invited him to a concert, then invited JKm, and that’s how he found out that I had a thing with JKm. I left the group at the dance to be with JKm; I introduced JKm to WH; I made out with JKm within eyesight of WH.

I should have known. He was so quiet when I told him, so unlike nonchalant AM. He was quiet, and serious, and distant, and yet so personally let down.

I remember regretting that I’d told him; I remember feeling subtly pushed away by WH after. What did I tell AM? “I told WH my boy problems, and I think it changed his opinion of me for the worse.”

I remember feeling like he was distant. Not happy to see me anymore. I remember panicking – WH was quite possibly my favorite person here; my closest friend. I’d put so much energy into the relationship; what if he was tired of me?

And then, today: things were suddenly better. We energized each other again. What changedI? I asked. That fateful question. The answer was so different from what I expected.

Was it different from what I wanted?

I don’t know. WH. Feelings for WH? I think I did. I remember meeting him and thinking to myself that I would never date him. But his personality, and his laugh, and his kindness. And everything was so easy, so natural with him. WH. And eventually I told myself I would never date him for another reason – I don’t want to lose him.

I’m with JKm now. I would be an idiot to throw that away. I would be an idiot to further complicate my life. I would be selfish to get WH wrapped up in this.

He asked for space. I can give him space. But already, it’s affecting me. My friend. He’s my friend. I can give a friend space.

Introducing: Crush AYl

Oh no. Oh lordy.

Let’s put it right out there: I am attracted to a post-doc at the lab.

This is obviously a problem, because he’s 28 years old (I remember purposely guiding the conversation towards his age when I first met him). And I’m 18. On the way home, I kept thinking about how 5 years ago, I was 13, in middle school, writing ridiculous blog posts (which are delightfully still accessible on this blog partly because I’m sadistic and partly because I feel it’s my duty to always have the reminder that that was me). 5 years ago, he was 23, a PhD student.

But I can’t help this.

As of a few hours ago (when I realized that I was attracted to him), I have that can’t-stand-this feeling in my stomach – I want to talk to him and have in my company so bad.

Our relationship, from the start. He completely ignored me, completely absorbed in his work as I socialized around the lab, until I showed curiosity in his project. “I’ll show you my work sometime,” he mentioned as I left.

He was recruited to monitor me clean up a station.

I started saying hello. I want to remember the time I was slicing a brain and I greeted him as he walked by, and he did a double take, leaned over, and did this little wave because I was an adorable little kid to him. And the other time we passed each other and he did this head nod of approval that was so cool and collected, but from his reserved personality, I felt like I’d won the jackpot of friendship.

He asked if I was coming to the lab meeting, and when I wasn’t, he offered to present it to me later.

We were sitting in our aisle and talking with everyone. YHl was talking about himself, and ADl started to voluntarily talk about himself and give me advice. He showed me his project and talked for an hour. When a medical student came to visit the lab, he basically ignored her and taught me. And when she left, he basically kept teaching me more things, and it was like it was just because he liked me as a person. I just kept shadowing him for the rest of the day, and he joked around with me and was honestly such a great teacher. So excited when he talked about his project – I would ask a question, and his eyes would just light up.

Didn’t seem adverse when I implied an out-of-lab hang out.

I mean, I’m technically 18. Nothing would be illegal here…right?

tons of friends :)

well where did i leave off….

oh yes, jogging. it failed miserably. i went to the gym to jog, where i just didn’t feel like it. i don’t know why. i just DIDNT have the motivation. plus when i jogged back up to put my jacket away, my calves were BURNING so bad, even though i walked half the way. so basically i went out for half an hour and ran a total of 5 minutes….not good. at all.

later, played piano and hung around the house for a few hours. went to my friends S’s house for a sleepover. we went to the beach, then we grabbed this amazing chocolate-fudge-coconut bar from this local cafe (which i know i will regret when i wake up with a pot-belly later on in life), then we walked around. got home, drew a ton of pictures, chatted some people, ate dinner with her sister who was visiting. really awkward because they were talking about all these things i have no idea what about, and yah. plus i love their food, but i don’t want to get fat and bloated, but the entire family knows me as the girl who eats a ton but ‘we don’t know where that food goes to!’.

later, we talk into the night, pretty fun. we kind of fade off into sleep.

i wake up early, go back to sleep. we get up and her water and electricity is off (blah) so we walk to the cafe again and i eat quiche yum 🙂 super good, but its another thing i know i will regret.

went back to the house, fooled around with iPhoto, then i went home. my friend A came literally 20 minutes later to hang. we talked, ate yummy healthy food, then we called then rest of our gang (this 4-person thing we have a special name for but we were best friends in 5th grade and supposedly since then but thats another story for another day) and we walked to our friend K’s house. it was fun, she has a ton of unhealthy food that i just could not resist, but we had a photo thing and then we made videos of us dancing to pop songs.

later we went on her trampoline and bounced, then we went back in a friend A left. so since she hates horror movies and she left, the remaining 3 of us watch paranormal 2. i thought it would be wayyyyyyy scarier, but it totally wasn’t. nothing really even happened until the end. though now I’m thinking about it its starting to get to me.

anyway we finished off with a comedy to calm ourselves and forget about it, and i left. got home, played piano and i got into it and ended up playing like an hour and a half. then i played flute for about half an hour. then my dad started freaking out.

he was screaming about how my brother needs to work on his apps, and how he is so hopeless, and how my mom is always secretly undermining him and stealing thousands of dollars from him, and how everyone is plotting against him. he goes on and on and it totally ruins my day. every time i even start to think my dad is a decent person, he goes and screws it up by blaming other people and accusing us of some undercover plan we have to ruin his life. it really is awful, but i feel like my life would be so easy if he wasn’t with us. but then again, i can still think of so many things that would just take its place (like my mom and my brothers, my brothers alone, my mom alone, my grandparents’ health, my self-esteem issues and body image, my stressed-out ness, eating disorders (which i don’t think i have. I’m just healthy), money troubles….and a ton more.) , but i can’t help but feel like he is the root cause of a lot of problems

it makes me so mad when other people are like ‘my life is so awful because…’ and then some horrible shallow reason, like ‘my mom won’t buy me this makeup pallet’ well who cares, you are fortunate to a have a supportive, happy family, no money problems, not a single substantial care in the world for anything other than boys and clothes and popularity. ugh.

and about the money thing, i don’t even know who to trust anymore. I’ve heard both sides, and they are both super unreliable. naturally i lean towards my mom because she’s more likable, does rant as much, is more reasonable, and also i just closer. but my dad i know has been through a lot too, he just is extremely unreasonable, cannot control his temper, and jumps to conclusions (like accusing my mom of stealing money) I’m not saying my mom is reasonable, though. sometimes, she’s not….

anyway, that ruined my day. but i kind of forgot about that when i showered just now. 

 

i also want to spend more time with my grandparents this week. random, but i busted wanted to write it down so i am more likely to do it.

tommorow i have a super packed productive day…so get ready